The story of my parents figuring out I was hearing impaired goes like this: I was a wee lass, napping in the middle of the afternoon-pretty typs for a baby. My mom was vacuuming and don't ask me why, but thought it was a good idea to vacuum the room I was sound asleep in. By the time she realized what she was doing, she also realized the obnoxious noise did not wake sleeping little me. In fact I didn't even stir. So that raised the question. Lucky for us, one of our closest friends is an audiologist (hearing doctor). She did some exams and turns out, Hannah is slightly hearing impaired. I don't know the exact terms of my hearing loss, but its not enough to be qualified as deaf but I'm not part of the hearing world either...basically I can't hear below certain decibels, so I can't hear whispers, low tones and certain high pitches.
So what happened next? I dont know! Between birth and 3rd grade nothing was totally done to help my hearing, but in third grade I got my first pair of hearing aids. THEY WERE AWFUL! I hated them, and through my hate I did not wear them. The school nurse often scolded me for not wearing them, but I just couldn't. They were uncomfortable and the were easily visible. I mean they were hot pink and green, and like the pair your grandfather wears, its hard to miss them. On top of that, I already had pretty bad asthma, and I had a nebulizer that I made frequent trips to the nurses to use, so I didn't want to add hearing aids to my machine-for-life list. I was nervous that I would be made fun of for having them to wear them so I just did not hear very well for the first thirteen years of my life.
Imagine these but instead of being nude colored mine were hot pink and green (these are my waterproof ones I just got, they also have Bluetooth to sync with my iPhone which is awwwwwsome, the music goes right to my ears!)
"What?" is a very common phrase in my vocabulary. I asked "What?" several times throughout the day, because I could not hear what anyone was saying. My schoolwork suffered because I couldn't hear what the teachers were saying, and I didn't care, I just wanted to fit in. So my solution was to get really good at reading lips, which I did, and in fact I can still read peoples lips across the room and know what they're saying (so watch out y'all). But the worst was at sleepovers; when the lights went out I could no longer see the lips, and that's when everyone started whispering the good juicy stuff, like what their older sisters were doing, what they would do if they were Rose on Titanic, and who the cutest boy in the 4th grade was. So sometimes I would strain to hear and try to add to the conversation but then I talked so loud I usually got us in trouble with parents for still being up. But sometimes, when I had no idea what was being said I would just pretend to sleep. That sucked, it really did, I'm still bitter about missing the good gossip.
Then there were the times were when people would be talking to me and I couldn't hear them so I would just nod and smile and then they would be waiting for an answer, that was always a "What?" moment. Or the reason I don't know a single correct song lyric from a song prior to 2003-deaf me could never figure out the songs, unless they were reaaaaally slow. My solution to this was humming the tune of the music and not even making words but noises that sounded like they could be words, I thought I was sooo clever. Haha that must've been really funny to see/hear. But I HATED getting called out on it, like I'm sorry I can't fucking hear what these people are singing at me, it's not my fault I'm deaf... I also, and to this day, did not like answering the phone. I do not like not being able to read the lips of who is speaking to me, it is just uncomfortable and I get anxious that I wont be able to hear everything and then I have a slight panic attack. Then there were the times I was scared of getting lost or left behind in stores because I wouldn't be able to hear my mom calling for me. But the worst was when I was scared of the house burning down while I was asleep. I didn't think that I would be able to hear the smoke alarm go off and would sleep through it, thus burning to death. I went to sleep scared of this every night until I was old enough to realize that there was NO way that I would sleep through that. So most of my irrational fears stem from my hearing loss, the only one that doesn't is my weird fear of my teeth falling out, I haven't figured that one out yet.
Fast forward through elementary school to the spring of 2003. I'm in 8th grade and my two best friends are AWL and MM. We were WEIRD to say the least. They were the first ones who got me realize the hearing aids were to help me, not to put a stain on rep and make me a loser...but that is probably because I already was one,hahaha. Anyways, my parents and the family friend-audiologist put their feet down and made me start wearing hearing aids. Lucky for me, the designs from 1997 have drastically changed and a new pair of hearing aids were constructed. The looked like the ones I have now, fit right in my ear, instead of wrapping all around and all over the place. These were more discrete and much more comfortable. So in the early weeks of getting my hearing aids we decided they needed a name. We were in an assembly and I was showing them to people, and when you close your hands around them they make a REALLLYYYY annoying noise (feedback) and thus they were dubbed "Squeaks". I'd like to send out a thank you to AWL and MM for helping me find the humor in these things, if I didn't learn to laugh at them they would probably be on my "my life sucks because" list instead of the "things that make me unique" list.
(Squeaks today)
Squeaks in the early days went through some rough times, I did not really have a place to put them when you take them out, so they got lost, eaten, and forgotten about. (Side note-these get taken out for sleeping, and for going swimming, or showers, or if you are playing in the rain). Let's start with the funniest story:
It is now the Summer of '05, my neighbors have a pool that we spent every day at. Like I said, no container for when I take them out, so I would usually just put them on a table with my rings and towel. Well, did you know dogs like the smell of ear wax? I didn't! So we come in from swimming all day, and after my ears dried out I was looking for Squeaks to put them back on so I could hear again...welp, the right one was missing! We found it near the dog's food dish, allllll chewed up hahahaha it was hilarous. They felt bad, but I thought it was a riot.
In high school I was on the swim team, I did winter league for the school and a summer league. So everyday Squeaks got a break from work during practice and meets. Well this had 2 main issues, 1 it is hard as fuck to hear in those pools with 2+ swim teams of kids between the ages of 4 and 18, regardless of having hearing aids or not, those places are not built with acoustics in mind. 2, sometimes I forget to take them out before jumping in the pool :X WOOPS. So then I would feel like a fool, have to dry the aids out, and more than once this had permanent damage on Sqeaks and I have had a few replacement Squeaks, (RIP to all those Squeaks lost at sea). Even last summer, as age has made me the wiser, I still forgot to take my ears out when my JOB was to lifegaurd and that was part of my everyday routine...ugh, still paying for those replacements almost twelve months later. NEW EARS ARENT CHEAP! Speaking on last summer's job, my co-workers loved my deafness, haha I even had a rap name, cause you know during breaks lifegaurds rap...anyways my nickname was Deaf Bananas, so be on the lookout for some sweet beats..
College and Squeaks mixed nicely, even on my sloppiest nights I remembered to take those bad boys out when I went to bed.(PS by this time I finally got my shit together and got a little box to put Squeaks in when they were not in use) However, it was on nights of sleepovers that it was weird. If I didn't bring my box, Squeaks either stayed in, ugh and made the awful feedback noise in my ears all night, or I had to hide them. I hid them under pillows, in my shoes, sometimes in little spaces I found like on window sills or dressers. But I hid them because it was just easier to pretend I didn't have them, then have to explain to someone what they were since hearing aids aren't something every 18-21 year old would be accessorizing with...So, a few people got the explanation, if they were lucky enough to stick around a couple times but it was mostly my girlfriends who got the full disclosure of my deafness. I'm sure people knew about it, they aren't completely invisible, but I usually didn't bring them up in conversation. My roommates knew about them because they had seen me take them out before bed. But, with one group of girls, I finally started talking about them and addressed the elephant in the room. Don't get me wrong, I never felt like my hearing aids made me any less than who I am, or held me back, but I spent most of high school just going through the motions with them. I didn't really have much of an opinion about them, they were just part of my daily routine, like brushing my teeth. But when I never spoke about them and if there was an issue, it was awkward. Like taking them out for soccer games in the rain and then not hearing my teammates, orrr having to change a battery in the middle of class, or forgetting to put them on and not being able to hear anyone all day or the amount of times I asked "What?". So I didn't really acknowledge that I had them until my senior year of college, I wish I did talk about them earlier because it's easier now. The girls I was friends with my senior year called me their "Deaf Friend", which I gladly accepted because it's funny, and it's true, and it's me. When I got comfortable with it, I even took Squeaks out and let them try them, but since they are molded to my ears the aids didn't fit correctly but they still got the general idea (right guys?). It was all in good fun, it was a piece of acceptance I didn't know I needed. And now, I use "I can't hear you, I'm deaf, rememberrrr" with my family and I'm kicking myself because it took 21 years to use that as an excuse to get out of stuff.
OKAYYYY so now that I am done rambling, the short of the story is, I am hearing impaired, I don't really fit in with the deaf group (I don't even know sign language, prob should learn that), but I don't fit in with the hearing either. I am my own category and I am fine with it. It makes me me and you know what if something is loud and annoying, I get to literally turn my ears off. So I'd say I am pretty lucky. I like being the Deaf Friend, and if anyone is going to make fun of me for not being able to hear, I just won't listen to them. (Did you catch that, haha, I'm hilarious).
Living life, one decibel at a time
One more thing, it is totally fine to ask me if I have on hearing aids, in most cases I will tell you anyways because it will come up in one way or another (especially because I crack an "I'm deaf" joke almost every day). Please don't feel awkward around me because I have a device that helps me hear you, like I tell the kids at camp: they are like glasses but for my ears.
No comments:
Post a Comment